And now, for the second year in a row, I wake up on a beautiful June morning to the grim reality of the Pittsburgh Penguins as Stanley Cup Champions. I know that one of these scenarios is far worse than the other; it's just hard to decide which one.
*****
Tuesday: After weeks of ridiculous cold, it's finally hot, and I got to swim after work.
There's nothing better than swimming outdoors, on a beautiful warm evening, when the water is not cold, but not yet warm. There's a moment of shock when your body hits the slightly-too-cool water, and then you're just free and happy for 15 minutes, or however long you're in the water. I swim in the winter, too, which is nice in its own way, but I love to swim outside, and see the water sparkling in the sun.
*****
Thursday: I'm finished with everything that I need to do today, at only 8:30 PM. So unusual. I think I'll watch Rachel at 9. I'm almost finished with the Zelmanyaners, and it's time to figure out what to read next.
I have lots of friends who are stay-at-home mothers, or teachers, or who work odd, part-time hours. I think they feel sorry for me because I work so much. But I don't feel sorry for me. Summer is so brief and hard to pin down, but a few minutes of summer perfection every day can be almost as good as hours of languor. It's more precious for being rare. Or something like that. I'm no good at poetry.
*****
I have kind of a regimented approach to daily life, and I used to feel bad about that; like maybe I should try to relax a bit, and just allow things to happen without trying to control everything. That sounds like advice to me, from someone who has never met me. I'm no more capable of going with the proverbial flow than ceasing to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide. (Wait, that's what we do, right? We breathe in the oxygen, and then breathe out the CO2? Science is another thing that I'm not very good at.)
For example, I get up much earlier in the morning than I really need to, because I cannot function in a messy or dirty house, and so I clean in the morning, because I never know if I'll have time at night. I make rules and lists for myself, and I stick to them, sometimes to a ridiculous extreme. Control helps me to manage the panic and anxiety a little bit. This morning, for example, I woke up at 4:05, in all-out panic mode. And then I remembered that my list was under control, and that I hadn't forgotten to do anything, and I fell back asleep for more than an hour.
I don't even know what the point of all that was. But I don't pretend to be coherent 100% of the time.
*****
Sunday: I try to be kind to people, but sometimes I am not a very nice person. That's all I have to say about that. Except that I spent lots of time and mental energy today trying to justify and excuse and minimize something that I said yesterday, and even though lots of people wouldn't think that what I said was so terrible in the first place, I know better.
And now, I'm an even worse person, because apparently, I'm morally superior to other people because I know that I said something mean, and yet I said it anyway, so really, who are these "lots of people?" They're me, and I'm the worst of them.
Again, not coherent, but I don't have time to copy edit myself today. Next week, I'm going to write "shut up" on my to-do list. If it's on the list, then I have to do it, as you know, and so maybe a to-do list entry will remind me that not all of my jokes are funny, and not all of my stories are pithy and hilarious, and not every thought that pops into my head is worthy of verbal expression. I'm an idiot. But I guess we all are, and this is strangely reassuring.
*****
Tuesday: After weeks of ridiculous cold, it's finally hot, and I got to swim after work.
There's nothing better than swimming outdoors, on a beautiful warm evening, when the water is not cold, but not yet warm. There's a moment of shock when your body hits the slightly-too-cool water, and then you're just free and happy for 15 minutes, or however long you're in the water. I swim in the winter, too, which is nice in its own way, but I love to swim outside, and see the water sparkling in the sun.
*****
Thursday: I'm finished with everything that I need to do today, at only 8:30 PM. So unusual. I think I'll watch Rachel at 9. I'm almost finished with the Zelmanyaners, and it's time to figure out what to read next.
I have lots of friends who are stay-at-home mothers, or teachers, or who work odd, part-time hours. I think they feel sorry for me because I work so much. But I don't feel sorry for me. Summer is so brief and hard to pin down, but a few minutes of summer perfection every day can be almost as good as hours of languor. It's more precious for being rare. Or something like that. I'm no good at poetry.
*****
I have kind of a regimented approach to daily life, and I used to feel bad about that; like maybe I should try to relax a bit, and just allow things to happen without trying to control everything. That sounds like advice to me, from someone who has never met me. I'm no more capable of going with the proverbial flow than ceasing to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide. (Wait, that's what we do, right? We breathe in the oxygen, and then breathe out the CO2? Science is another thing that I'm not very good at.)
For example, I get up much earlier in the morning than I really need to, because I cannot function in a messy or dirty house, and so I clean in the morning, because I never know if I'll have time at night. I make rules and lists for myself, and I stick to them, sometimes to a ridiculous extreme. Control helps me to manage the panic and anxiety a little bit. This morning, for example, I woke up at 4:05, in all-out panic mode. And then I remembered that my list was under control, and that I hadn't forgotten to do anything, and I fell back asleep for more than an hour.
I don't even know what the point of all that was. But I don't pretend to be coherent 100% of the time.
*****
Sunday: I try to be kind to people, but sometimes I am not a very nice person. That's all I have to say about that. Except that I spent lots of time and mental energy today trying to justify and excuse and minimize something that I said yesterday, and even though lots of people wouldn't think that what I said was so terrible in the first place, I know better.
And now, I'm an even worse person, because apparently, I'm morally superior to other people because I know that I said something mean, and yet I said it anyway, so really, who are these "lots of people?" They're me, and I'm the worst of them.
Again, not coherent, but I don't have time to copy edit myself today. Next week, I'm going to write "shut up" on my to-do list. If it's on the list, then I have to do it, as you know, and so maybe a to-do list entry will remind me that not all of my jokes are funny, and not all of my stories are pithy and hilarious, and not every thought that pops into my head is worthy of verbal expression. I'm an idiot. But I guess we all are, and this is strangely reassuring.
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